The Mummy Returns

Back in 2001, Megan and I were approached to possibly write movie reviews for the local paper. The movie I chose to review was "The Mummy Returns" and although that gig did not come to fruition, I'm releasing that review from the vault due to popular demand and to coincide with the release of director Stephen Sommers' latest monster mash, "Van Helsing":

Picture, if you will, a fedora-clad hero, with a gun in one hand and a torch in the other, wiping away a wall of spiderwebs to explore ancient ruins. And when he removes a treasure from its resting place, it triggers a catastrophic booby-trap.

No, it’s not “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” but “The Mummy Returns” sure tries hard to replicate the Indiana Jones franchise. Unfortunately, Brendan Fraser is no Harrison Ford. And Stephen Sommers is no Steven Spielberg.

Sommers stuffs the two hours with wall-to-wall action and special effects, stopping every fifteen minutes for a deep conversation between Fraser and co-star Rachel Weisz, followed by a deep lip-lock. And while much of the action is exciting and entertaining, the rest of it is tedious and sometimes incomprehensible.

For instance, when did The Mummy become Darth Vader? In addition to having a black outfit, a mask and an echoing metallic voice, he lifts people up with a wave of his hands and flings them around.

Of course, logic was a casualty of the first film, and its sequel is hardly on a Spock-like course. It wouldn’t be so noticeable if the computer-generated visual effects made up the difference. But most of the baddies — mummies, dog-warriors, unexplained pygmy creatures, or the laughably bad giant scorpion — seem more like cartoons, stretching their features and their believability beyond reason.

Thankfully, the gleefully greedy John Hannah and the spunky Freddie Boathe provide official comic relief while Oded Fehr brings a healthy dose of seriousness, and explains the plot.

And if you just want to see The Rock, plan on staying ten minutes. He probably spent more time on the promotional circuit than he did on the set.